Peter Kaagman - PROMIS Netherlands Lifestory

Hi, my name is Peter, I am an addict.

Let me tell you something about my background: I was born in Amsterdam, 43 years ago. My mother got pregnant at the age of 17. She was raised by her aunt since her mother suffered from bi-polar disorder. After my mother gave birth to me she spend time in a catholic convent. In that time she met my stepfather, she married him when I was 5 years old. My stepfather adopted me and gave me his name.

I have always felt different. I thought I felt different because of my background; I was abused at home in every possible way. My way of dealing with that situation was lying, I lived in my own little world of fantasy.

I left home at the age of 17. At that time I did not smoke, drink alcohol or do drugs. I did very well at school, spend alot of time exercising with Tae Kwon Do but was overeating. I could not stop eating anything which contained sugar. In my adolescence I always felt insecure, lonely and depressed.
Last thing on my mind was being an addict, in fact I looked down on addicts!

Doing martial arts I discovered I could channel my anger. I found it really difficult to admit I felt angry, but at some situations I exploded, I got addicted to rage.

The combination of my physique, state of mind and skills drove me towards the criminal environment. There I discovered drugs and alcohol, soon to find out that I was also powerless over those things. When the relationship with my girlfriend ended some years later, I hit my rock bottom for the first time: I was doing freebase cocaine round the clock, losing weight and had a couple of psychotic incidents.

I spend close to 9 years in prison. About 11 years ago when I left prison for the last time, I made a decision to start a normal life. I was in a relationship with a lady whom already had a son. I started my own business, was very successful but when we lost a baby at birth I started taking drugs again ( I did not use in prison). I worked 7 days a week, did allot of cocaine and after a while got burned out. That's when my addiction really kicked in. I thought that the answer to my problems were drugs, in fact the drugs were at that time were the biggest source of my problems. I sold my business, spent all my money then sold everything I could sell.

I  looked for help in Holland but there was no help for addiction. The authorities just tried to help me by controlling my using.

I was lucky to find PROMIS, just over two years ago. There I learned that addiction is a disease. Of course there is no cure, however, there is a solution and that is how to live with this disease. This is how I learned of  The 12 Steps.

In PROMIS I've learned so much about myself. The most important thing is that I'm not alone anymore, I can stop fighting: surrender! In the first year of my recovery I went to meetings every day. I still go to at least 3 meetings a week where I have service positions. I made new friends, I have a job, pay taxes, my God I have a life!

Peter Kaagman