Living with an Alcoholic

Living with an alcoholic, or addict of any kind, is exceedingly difficult. As a general rule, men tend to desert their alcoholic wives whereas women often stand by their alcoholic husbands. It seems to be part of our culture (although sometimes simply a fact of economic reality) that women have become self-sacrificial in this way. This may be noble but it is not necessarily very helpful. The alcoholic man may have no reason to get better if all the consequences of his addictive behaviour are being tidied up by his partner. It may be difficult to accept but the truth is that alcoholics usually consider changing their behaviour only when they believe that they have no choice.

Learning how to let the alcoholic feel the painful consequences of his or her behaviour is exceedingly difficult and often requires professional help (preferably in a group setting alongside other people facing similar challenges) in order to develop the understanding and courage that are necessary.

The problem begins with the fact that one very often does not realise that the person in question is in fact an alcoholic. One may know that he or she drinks a bit - and often more than a bit - but we may fight hard against accepting that the problem is in fact alcoholism rather than heavy drinking or depression or simply a reasonable comfort in response to the stresses of life. Accepting a diagnosis of alcoholism is often as difficult for family members and friends as it is for the alcoholic himself or herself. The diagnosis "alcoholic" may imply weak will or failure and be considered shameful rather than as a diagnosis of an illness that is not the fault of the sufferer, even though he or she is fully responsible for behaviour that affects other people.

Thus, "denial" (the belief that things are not really what they are) commonly affects people surrounding the alcoholic as much as it affects the alcoholic himself or herself. Families may come to be destroyed as a result of an absolute determination not to accept this particular diagnosis and therefore not to get the specific help that is necessary.

The appropriate diagnosis of alcoholism is made primarily upon consequences of behaviour. If people are getting damage in their lives as a result of their use of alcohol then the diagnosis is alcoholism, whether or not one actually wants to call it by that name. A lot of confusion arises because alcoholics are often perfectly capable of holding down a job or occupying responsible positions at work and in society at large. They may be young or old, rich or poor, distinguished or decrepit: alcoholism knows no boundaries.

Alcoholism is seen in the way that people use alcohol: they use it for its mood-altering effect rather than simply for its taste or for conviviality. Alcoholics may pretend to be connoisseurs of wine or of malt whiskey or real ale - and they may indeed be so - but they drink it primarily in order to change the way they feel about themselves and about life in general. Living with them can therefore be very confusing: they put up all sorts of disguises and rationalisations for their behaviour. Nonetheless, the diagnosis is alcoholism if they are getting problems as a result of their use of alcohol.

Alcoholics will tend to get a range of problems across the whole spectrum of human behaviour: social, professional, financial, marital, domestic, legal and other problems will arise one after another unless the cause is properly diagnosed and properly treated.

Living with an alcoholic is therefore an unmitigated nightmare so that one may begin to doubt one’s own sanity. The more one does to help; the more the problem is perpetuated and the worse it gets. Under those circumstances it is a small wonder that the partners despair.

The tragedy is that doctors themselves are very often reluctant to make the appropriate diagnosis. They too may see it as a disgrace rather than as an illness and they may buy into the alcoholic’s explanations and excuses. They may prescribe tranquillisers, anti-depressants or sleeping tablets, all of which are in effect alcohol in tablet form. They act on the same part of the brain and they have similar effects. They make the situation worse rather than better. They protect the alcoholic from facing up to the true diagnosis.

Doctors who are themselves alcoholic are particularly dangerous not simply in the mistakes that they make but more because other alcoholics will flock to them because they sense a kindred spirit who would not criticise and who would readily prescribe.

The first and foremost responsibility of someone living with an alcoholic must be to protect any children who may be in the household or otherwise possibly affected. Do not trust an alcoholic to have care of children, particularly not if the alcoholic is likely to drive a car. However, although children must be one’s first responsibility, one should not neglect oneself. Why should one’s own life be destroyed by the alcoholic or dedicated primarily to supporting and protecting him or her? There are better lives to be led than that. In fact, anything that is done to help the alcoholic can simply be "enabling" him or her to continue his or her path towards destruction. Other families have learnt this to their cost and some fortunate families have learnt (primarily through A1 Anon, the sister Fellowship to Alcoholics Anonymous or through Helpers Anonymous) how to detach themselves from the illness while still loving and respecting the suffering individual. They also learn to look after themselves and their families by not protecting the alcoholic from the consequences of his or her behaviour. Letting someone you love get the painful consequences of his or her actions may seem cruel but it is in fact kind because it is more likely to bring the condition to a satisfactory end (though Alcoholics Anonymous) before everything is lost.

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